Do you have any regrets? Making decisions is one of the most difficult aspects in life. That’s why very often we prefer that other people make decisions for us. Not regretting them is another. Sometimes we make decisions that turn out to be mistakes. Is it okay to regret those mistakes?
In Episode 24 of Beautiful Ghosts Podcast (listen in your favourite podcast app, YouTube, or Website) we talked about regrets. Do we have any regrets? Why or why not? Should we have any regrets?
No Regrets
Many years ago, I read what the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said about regrets. It was something like you shouldn’t have any regrets because if you do you would be making two mistakes. The mistake of doing something that you shouldn’t have done and the mistake of regretting it. I have used that concept the rest of my life every time I feel like regretting something.
Not regretting does not mean not making mistakes. I have made millions of mistakes, we all make millions of mistakes. Mistakes are part of life and are learning opportunities. Perhaps you think that this is all very theoretical but in reality we all have regrets. To avoid regrets I ask myself: “Did I try my best with the knowledge I had at the time?”. If the answer is yes, then I don’t feel any regrets. The secret is to try your best every time.
In life we make some very big decisions, choosing a partner, choosing a career, investing our money, and so on. Some of these decisions are going to have a big impact in our future wellbeing. How do you know if you are making the right choice? You never know and you probably will never know. Don’t leave those decisions for someone else to make for you so you can avoid responsibility. Try your best and learn from your own decisions.
I have a friend who recently found out his wife only married for self-interest to obtain a visa. This could be devastating. My friend said all the money, all the time, all the emotions wasted, and there is nothing left. Except what you have learned about marriage, I said. My friend understood. Next time, he will make a better choice.
Self-Acceptance is Key
It is difficult not to have regrets if you do not accept yourself for who you are. Because the key not to have regrets is to accept that all the mistakes we’ve made have made us who we are. If you are happy with who you are, you won’t regret your past mistakes. But what happens if you are not happy with who you are?
I have told the story of a neighbour who said that if she had stayed with her first husband she would be happy. When she said that she was living with her second husband and her two daughters in the house they owned. A dream for many. What always strikes me about the story is the question: how do you know you would be happier? We never know. The only reality is the one we live, the rest are illusions.
That doesn’t mean we can’t learn from our mistakes. Mariana lived a traumatic experience 20 years ago and she didn’t ask for help soon enough. She now knows that she needs to ask for help sooner. I also feel in my life I could have sometimes made better choices, for example regarding my professional career. And that perhaps if I had made those choices, I would have advanced faster. But I also know that career success won’t make me happier.
What to Do with Regrets?
If you have regrets, probably the best place to start is with self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. Only once you have fully accepted who you are you can look at your past decisions with a clear conscience. We have looked at some of the techniques that can be useful for this in a previous post.
A regret is negative emotion that we carry in the present about something we have done in the past. If the only ones affected by that decision is ourselves, we have the power of self-forgiveness to get rid of the negative emotion. If the decision has hurt someone else, we have the power to apologise if we still can or, again, self-forgive.
How about future decisions? How can you avoid future regrets? Simply try your best. Are you making your decision based on the best information and your best knowledge? Are you making your decision with your best intentions? If the answer is yes, remember that, and you should have no regrets.
Make an impact,
Pablo
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This post was originally published on Beautiful Ghosts.
Image by Aurélie Berne from Flickr.