What do you do when a friend does something that bothers you? In the previous blog post I mentioned that in the first episode of the podcast Beautiful Ghosts we discussed how reflection helps with personal growth. In that episode I commented how reflection helped me stop doing character assassination.
Now before you jump to the conclusion that I’m some sort of assassin, when I talk about character assassination I refer to the internal decision that someone is not worth having a relationship with and I stop talking to them (this definition differs from the official definition of character assassination which is trying to destroy someone’s reputation, something I don’t remember ever doing). This is not just the silence treatment; this is about breaking a relationship forever. In fact, the friend that told me that what I was doing is character assassination, I ended up character-assassinating him.
The way it usually happened was as follows. A friend did something that bothered me, usually some sort of selfish act. This to me indicated either a flaw in their character or a negative disposition towards me, and in my internal score sheet I discounted a point from them. I continued doing this until at some point I decided that their character was too flawed or their attitude towards me too negative and not worth my effort in maintaining a relationship. At this point I would abruptly stop talking to them, without much explanation. I did this with countless of friends since I’m 13 years-old.
What’s wrong with this? There are many things wrong with this approach. First, when someone did something that bothered me, I did not communicate it. Which means they may not have known that what they were doing bothered me. Second, in my mind I was already setting the expectation that they were doing it because they were not a good person or because they had a negative attitude towards me. By setting the expectation, I’m going to behave and perceive their behaviour in that context. It will be very difficult for me not to end up in character assassination. Third, the relationship finishes abruptly, making any future encounters with this person awkward.
Although I still believe in minimising toxic relationships, thanks to reflection and developing communication skills, my approach now is to communicate with the other person. Sometimes what we interpret to be a negative act towards us is simply a reflection that they are going through difficult times. One good approach is starting by asking, are you okay? And then communicating how you felt about what they did. I believe I haven’t done character assassination in the last 8 years. How about you?
Here’s the section where we discuss character assassination in the context of reflection:
Make an impact,
Pablo
Image by Steve Higgins