Throughout my teenager years and in my twenties, I used to think that the idea of romantic love was stupid. I had grown up in a household where romantic love was mocked. I was told it only lasts about 2 years and then turns into companionship or completely disappears. That is why there is a 50% divorce rate. Also, why would you fall in love with one particular person? What makes that person different from everyone else? I had reached the conclusion that romantic love was a cultural construct created by Hollywood movies and love songs. As far as I was concerned, I was never going to fall in love and I thought people that fell in love were being irrational and should know better. That’s why I couldn’t believe what happened to me when at 28 years old I realised I was in love.
In Episode 16 of Beautiful Ghosts Podcast (listen in YouTube, Website, or your favourite podcast app) we discussed romantic love. This was at the request of a listener that wanted to know more about our love stories, mentioned in previous episodes. We talked about how it feels, how it is different from infatuation, what to do if not reciprocated, how it grows in a relationship, and more.
What Is Romantic Love?
Romantic love is different from other feelings. Lust is just sexual desire without any type of attachment. Infatuation is an obsession that only lasts a few weeks while romantic love lasts 2 or 3 years. Before falling in love, I was infatuated with other girls where one girl became the focus of my thoughts. But after realising that nothing was going to happen, I would feel the disappointment for about 2 or 3 weeks and then move on.
When I fell in love and found out that the love was not reciprocated, I also thought that the disappointment and sadness was going to last 2 or 3 weeks. But after several weeks had passed and the feeling was still there, I knew that this was different. The pain was deeper, the feeling more intense, and there was no end in sight. Suddenly, I felt it was going to last forever.
This was not lust, this was not infatuation, this was romantic love. As I mentioned in the episode, when I realised that, and as we say at Beautiful Ghosts it is important to be able to put a name to your feelings, I went to the library to look for a book on romantic love.
Why We Fall in Love
Why did I go to the library? I needed to understand what was happening to me. Rationally I knew that there was nothing special about this girl. But it didn’t matter what my reason said, my emotions were still very strong. I realised that reason cannot control our emotions. No matter what I thought I was still feeling the same way.
Reading about what people felt when they fall in love was very useful. Constantly thinking about the other person, a consistent pain in my sternum area, and other symptoms, were normal for other people too. This was not just me having some weird feelings, these were things that other people felt as well. This was of course reassuring, but also provided me with ideas about why I had fallen in love.
Here’s where my thoughts about the importance of evolution started taking form. A man and a woman getting together and having kids is very important for the survival of the species. But while other animal species only need to feel lust and have sex to accomplish it, there is something about humans that requires stronger attachment. It is probably the fact that human babies are born so immature that the mother needs support to raise a kid.
Genetic diversity is also important for the species. We fall in love with people that we’ve only known for a short time, people we have not met as children. In a hunter-gatherer band, this probably meant someone outside our band or clan, which lead to the descendants having higher genetic diversity.
Why exactly humans evolved the ability to fall in love are theories. But the ability to fall in love with someone we’ve met for a short time is there. I needed to understand why even though I knew there was nothing special about the girl, I couldn’t control my feelings about her. I thought that some sort of imprinting had happened.
Konrad Lorenz was a biologist that showed that when birds such as duckling or goslings are born, they will follow an object that moves close by. In nature, this is the mother. But Lorenz was able to show that if he would take the mother away when the goslings were hatching, and put another object or even himself and move, the newly hatched birds would follow the object or himself during the rest of their childhood.
This is known as imprinting. The ducklings and goslings are imprinted with the object that moves after they’ve hatched. I felt that some sort of imprinting had happened with me. There was no way to rationally tell myself there was nothing special about the girl, the imprinting had happened. Luckily, it didn’t las forever. I was relieved to read that the feeling slowly fades away and takes about 3 years to completely get over it.
How We Fall in Love
Reflecting about what had happened I asked myself, how did I fall in love? Because I didn’t really know the girl very well. Thinking about our few interactions I realised that she hadn’t said or done anything special for me to fall in love with her. That meant I had actually fallen in love with my own thoughts of her.
This was confirmed to me when later on I read the book “The Art of Seduction” by Robert Greene. That is almost exactly what he says. The person falls in love when they are by themselves thinking about the other person, not when they are with the other person.
It was all my own thoughts and I didn’t check in time whether the other person was feeling the same. Because if you are going to fall in love, it is not great if you are the only one falling in love. It is much better if both people fall in love with each other at the same time, so check. Is the other person also falling in love? Yes, there are stories of the man falling in love first and then making the girl fall in love with him. It makes great Hollywood movies.
True Love
Love is not a straight line. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married and live happily ever after is a nice tale, but just a tale. What happens in real life?
If two people fall in love with each other, that love is an incredible experience but it doesn’t last long. Mariana mentioned there are clear milestones at 3 months, 6 months, and 12 months. For what I heard, after 2 years that feeling of being in love is not there anymore. For the couple to stay together, romantic love needs to transform into companionship love. Not every couple achieves that successfully and that is why there is a 50% divorce rate.
If one person falls in love and the other doesn’t, tough luck. The feeling fades away slowly and it takes about 3 years to overcome. Romantic love that is not reciprocated is painful, but it passes. It cannot be rationally controlled. Even if you find out that the other person wasn’t right for you, you will still have feelings due to imprinting. Apparently, some studies have shown that taking painkillers may help (disclaimer: consult your doctor!).
Can you reach companionship love without going through the “falling in love” experience? Yes, of course. That’s what happens with arranged marriages which as far as I know are as successful as love marriages.
From personal experience, companionship love is of higher quality than romantic love. It can last a lifetime. It is based on really knowing the other person, having experienced and shared with them good and bad experiences, and having overcome all the life challenges together. And after all that, still being able to say “I love you”. What is that if not true love?
Make an impact,
Pablo
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This post was originally published on Beautiful Ghosts.