Many years ago, a friend said that one of his biggest challenges was accepting who he was. This was the first time I was exposed to the problem of self-acceptance. Although I have suffered my fair share of failures, have made lots of mistakes, and have not accomplished as much as I wanted to, I never questioned my self-worth or had problems accepting who I am. Why do some people struggle with self-acceptance and others don’t? How can one improve self-acceptance?
In Episode 9 of Beautiful Ghosts we discussed self-acceptance (YouTube or website). According to Mariana, this is one of the biggest challenges in life and if we were all able to accept our flaws, we would all be Buddhas. Nico felt he needed to achieve more to be complete, until he read “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach and he realised he didn’t need to. You are okay just the way you are.
Why is self-acceptance difficult? As with any other psychological characteristic, there is probably about 50% of a genetic component and 50% environmental component. Regarding the genetic component, some people are naturally more self-centred while others need outside validation. Unfortunately, there is not much we can do, just simply be aware of our predisposition. Let’s talk about the environmental component. First is the family in which we are raised. Growing up in a family that accepts you and provides emotional support will have a significant effect on your own self-esteem and self-acceptance. I have seen first hand the damaging effects that growing up in a hostile family environment can have in a child. And although I believe he will be able to overcome this damage and learn to appreciate his own self-worth, it will require a lot more inner work than someone who grows up in a supportive environment.
Family is the first environmental component, but as we grow up, the community and society in general will start to have a bigger effect. If you look closely, you will see that society is constantly telling you that you are not good enough, that other people are better than you, and that you need to collect achievements if you really want to be regarded as having any worth. First, you have the people around you. Your neighbour that bought a very expensive car to prove to you that he is better than you. “Wait” you may say “he didn’t buy it to prove he is better than me, he bought it to enjoy a nice car”. Not really. Status symbols like cars, houses, clothing, are not bought for their functionality. They are bought for the status they provide to the owner, and what is status if not the ability to say “I’m better than others, I’m better than you”. No one buys a mansion because they need it, they buy it to prove their social status. And as you drive around your normal car and live in your normal home, you can’t help noticing that other people have better cars and better homes. How can you prevent the feeling that they are better than you and that you are not good enough?
Second, you have the media. Stories of super-successful people that simply seem to be in a different league of humans. Myths such as Steve Jobs, considered by many to be a genius. How can you feel successful when you compare yourself to Steve Jobs? But, what do you really know about Steve Jobs? The truth is that most people simply accept what the media tells them, Steve Jobs is a successful genius and you are not good enough. Then you have the advertising industry, constantly showing you impossibly beautiful and successful people, telling you that you are not good enough unless you buy their products and services. And finally, you have social media. Everyone has become their own advertising agency, showing pictures where they look they are having fun, achieving, and being happy. Everyone is having a good time and being successful, even your social media friends! How can you not doubt your own self-worth?
With the odds against us, how can we reach self-acceptance? Self-acceptance starts by accepting our own flaws. As Nico pointed out, we tend to be more kind and loving towards others than towards ourselves. Forgive yourself for your flaws and mistakes, be kind to yourself. As Mariana mentioned, perfectionism prevents self-acceptance. Paraphrasing Bruno Mars, love yourself just the way you are. We need to change our negative self-talk into a positive self-talk. In the past, when I used to think about a mistake I had made, I used to think “how stupid”, now I think “I forgive myself”. Those mistakes are the reason now I know better, so I forgive myself. Nico wrote on his bathroom mirror “I love you” so he can see it every day. We’ve seen previously that our beliefs are our reality, and that no one is better than you and you are better than no one. Make that a core belief. Everyone that is trying to convince you they are better than you, the media selling you geniuses, products, and services, even your family if they did not accept you, they are all wrong and doing it to benefit from your low self-esteem and low self-acceptance. Don’t let them exploit you like that. The fact is that if you don’t like yourself, it will be more difficult for others to like you, which will make it more difficult for you to like yourself. It’s a vicious cycle. If you are looking for outside validation, they got you. There’s only one thing you can do to escape this cycle: love yourself just the way you are.
Make an impact,
Pablo
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Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
This blog post was originally published at Beautiful Ghosts