Once I heard the story of a former Nazi officer that, years after the war had finished, was in his deathbed and asked for a Jew. When the Jew turned up, the dying Nazi officer asked for forgiveness. The Jew couldn’t find it in his heart to forgive, even when the other person was dying. The story tells that for the rest of his life the Jew was haunted by this image of a dying human being and his inability to forgive him. Here we have two people affected by negative emotions around forgiveness. The Nazi officer should not have asked forgiveness from one Jew because he had committed acts against humanity, not against one person. The Jew should not have carried the negative emotion of being unable to forgive, because forgiveness in this case was not his to give. But the story reveals that forgiveness is not easy to deal with and that the most important aspect about forgiveness is to get rid of negative emotions that may affect our lives.
In Episode 22 of Beautiful Ghosts podcast (listen in your favourite podcast app, YouTube or website), we discussed forgiveness. There are different aspects involved with forgiveness. First, the difference between forgiving others and forgiving oneself. Second, the difference between forgiving internally, letting go of the negative feeling, and forgiving externally, accepting their apology and perhaps re-establishing the relationship. Finally, asking for forgiveness.
Starting with forgiving others, I thought everyone had been crossed by someone else. However, Nico could not remember a situation where he had to forgive someone. This shows Nico’s extraordinary ability to not take things personally and to easily forgive others. That’s a good way to avoid negative emotions building up in the first place. We both have similar stories of trying to start a business with a friend, the other person not really doing their share, and the business not moving forward. While Nico is still friends with his friend, I did character assassination long time ago. The difference is that I took it personally and stopped the communication, while Nico kept communicating with his friend. We are biased to assume bad intentions from others and good intentions from our part. Which means in a conflict, it is likely two people are feeling the same way about each other, that we had good intentions and the other person bad intentions. Before taking things personally and building up negative emotions, keeping the communication open and clarifying any potential misunderstandings will go a long way to preventing resentment and the need to forgive.
And how about forgiving ourselves? Do you carry any negative emotions about yourself? For some people, it is easier to forgive others than to forgive themselves. It is common for Mariana to be driving, remembering something that she did that she is not happy about herself, and yell her favourite word (hint: starts with “f”). I used to be the same, except that I used to think “how stupid”. Then I changed to “I forgive myself”. I think I forgave myself so many times that nowadays self-forgiveness comes almost automatic to me. There are different techniques to facilitate self-forgiveness, Nico suggested three. One is Ho Oponopono from Hawaii where the mantra repeats “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you”. Although traditionally used to repair relationships, Nico uses it for self-forgiveness. The second is you put two chairs one in front of another and play two characters. One is the harsh you, then sitting on the other chair is the kind forgiving you. The third one is from the book “Love Yourself as if Your Life Depends on It” by Kamal Ravikant. Start with the mantra “I love myself” and then “I forgive myself”. This shows that self-acceptance and self-forgiveness are directly connected. Whatever technique you use, self-forgiveness will help you get rid of negative emotions about yourself. Let them go.
If someone did cross you and you built up negative emotions about them, with time it is better to forgive and let go of those negative emotions. “I forgive but never forget” is a famous phrase, what does it mean? My interpretation is that you get rid of negative emotions about that person, you forgive internally. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to re-build a relationship. When I was at university, I had a friend with whom we used to study together. In the last year he started behaving very strangely towards me, I started taking distance, and after a few exchanges we stopped talking to each other. Seven years later we were working in the same building. We met for coffee, he apologised and I accepted his apology. However, I didn’t feel there was any point in trying to re-build the friendship. The circumstances had changed, I had moved on, had a family and had other friends. I sincerely wished him the best but, why try again? For me, the most important aspect is letting go of negative emotions towards others, even if they have crossed you, because they helped you become who you are today. Let them go.
Finally, asking for forgiveness. Why are you asking for forgiveness, to try to clear your conscience and feel better about yourself or to try to re-build the relationship? In the opening story, the Nazi officer was trying to clear his conscience, he wanted to feel better about himself before dying. Sometimes we may feel remorse about things we have done in the past, but asking for forgiveness just to feel better about ourselves may reveal an inability to self-forgive. Nico told the story of seeing an old classmate at the train station, someone he used make fun of, as kids in high school do. Nico apologised to him, but his classmate seemed to still feel resentment. In the end, Nico had to forgive himself. A valid reason to ask for forgiveness is to try to re-build a relationship. When doing it, you should not expect that the other person will be receiving you with open arms. However, we all make mistakes and when our mistakes hurt someone else, asking for forgiveness or perhaps simply apologising is better than pretending we never did anything wrong. When I was around 13 years old, I borrowed a slingshot and, from the street, I shot a pebble to my best friend that was in his balcony in a second floor. I didn’t know what I was doing. I’m glad I missed him but the pebble hit the balcony glass door behind and cracked it. I should have offered to pay but I didn’t. For the next five years, every time I visited my friend’s house, I would see the crack on the door. Then I left the city and lost touch with him. Even though I forgive myself, I can’t help feeling remorse when I think about cracking the glass and not doing anything about it. Better to make amends sooner than later. Do not do like the Nazi officer and carry your remorse to your deathbed.
By now, the message should be crystal clear and hopefully without any cracks. Whether it is forgiving others or self-forgiveness, whether it is forgiving internally or forgiving externally, or whether it is about asking for forgiveness, the message about forgiveness is this: get rid of those negative emotions. Let them go.
Make and impact,
Pablo
Image Wikimedia Commons
This post was originally published in Beautiful Ghosts