Hope for the best and expect the worst. What does this common saying mean to you? When I was single and looking to mingle, I remember texting a girl and having expectations about a reply. Usually, this would lead to disappointment. When I think about it today, it would be easy to feel a bit embarrassed about my own emotional immaturity, but it would also be a bit unfair since my situation today is different than it was back then.
In Episode 21 of Beautiful Ghosts Podcast (listen on your favourite podcast app, YouTube, or website) we talked about expectations. Is it good to have positive expectations? How do we prevent disappointments? Should we follow the advice to set very high goals and high expectations about accomplishing those goals?
The Pros of Positive Expectations
Having positive expectations about something, seems to be a pre-requisite for us to making it happen. Many years ago, I read a book highlighting the benefits of positive affirmations. The example was that if you are driving to the city expecting that it will be very difficult to find a parking space available, then it will be very difficult. In contrast, if you tell yourself that you will find a parking space, you are more likely to find one sooner.
Probably no one has done a scientific study to corroborate this, but it does make sense. If you are thinking positively, you are more likely to see an available parking space, or realise that someone is about to leave, than if you are thinking negatively. One is more aware and watching out for parking spaces.
I experienced this when playing chess. If you think you are going to lose a game, you are more likely to lose it and miss a move that would have tied or even won the game. Your expectations definitely have an influence in the final outcome of the game.
I remember a similar situation when I participated in a speech contest. One of the contestants said during his speech that he was not trying to win. Perhaps he wasn’t likely to win anyway, but saying that immediately closed any chances to win. Judges are not likely to select someone who says they don’t want to win.
Why would the contestant enter a speech contest and then say they don’t want to win? I believe he didn’t want to be seen trying and then not winning. He felt better saying he didn’t want to win. That way, when he didn’t win, he could say that he didn’t even try to win. He didn’t fail.
This brings us to two of the main reasons why people may not want to have positive expectations. First, they don’t want to suffer the disappointment. Second, they fear their inner voice starting whispering “you are not good enough, you are not going to get it”. Could it be that these two issues arise when the expectations are too high?
The Cons of High Expectations
Society encourages us to have big hairy audacious goals. Tony Robins is a great seller of society’s carrots. In one of his books, he starts by asking you to set a goal of how much money you want to have by the time you retire. He suggests to go high, go for your dream house, dream life, and more. A lot of people, end up around the $10 million figure. What’s the problem with setting some high expectations around wealth?
There are several problems. First, financial success is not entirely under our control. There is a large percentage of luck involved. Second, when you set a goal, you are a non-achiever until you achieve that goal. Third, setting high expectations will mean high disappointment if you don’t achieve it. Fourth, and probably the most important in my view, is the risk of achieving it. How is that?
Let’s take the example that you set yourself the goal and have high expectations about having $10 million by the time you retire. You work really hard and make lots of sacrifices because you know that once you reach the $10 million you will be happy. For 20 years, you lived for that goal. If you are lucky and achieve the goal after 20 years, you realise that achieving the goal gave you a temporary high and then it is your life again. In spite of the appearances, you are not happier. In fact, without the goal, you are empty.
Recently I watched an interview of the 1972 Chess World Champion Robert James (Bobby) Fischer. His life was an obsession about becoming the world champion. In the interview, given soon after becoming world champion, he confesses that the day after he won the last match, he felt empty. Like something had been taken from him. Bobby did not defend his title and retired from chess and public life.
As we talked in the episode, achieving the dream car or house will not make you happy. Nico had a friend that got his dream job in the company he always wanted to work for, talk about high expectations. After the first day he wanted to quit. Mariana imagines getting depressed in a mansion, the house will not help in any way.
What do we do? Do we lower our expectations? In a work survey at a particular organisation, the data showed that most employees thought they should be earning more than they were earning. The boss said there wasn’t more money, what to do? Lower salary expectations someone said (I promise it wasn’t me!). But lowering expectations doesn’t sound appealing. In which sense do we lower our expectations?
Balanced Expectations
Mariana still wants to live a life that she enjoys. Have many people given up the idea of living an enjoyable life? Is it because society has convinced them that the only way to live an enjoyable life is accomplishing something amazing? Have people stopped dreaming or believe they can’t achieve their dreams?
The problem with creating high expectations and high goals is that they are more likely society’s carrots rather than our own dreams. At Beautiful Ghosts we believe in enjoying the time we have. The goal is not important, achieving the goal is not that important. What matters is enjoying the process. Spending your time in a way that is enjoyable and fulfilling.
While most of society’s carrots are external, the money, the looks, the status, real life enjoyment is internal and connecting with other people, not with external things. Can we create positive expectations about how we are going to spend our time? We sure can.
When Nico finds himself too impatient and needy about accomplishing something, he tells himself that this is not the thing that will change his life. As Mariana said, setting yourself high goals doesn’t help your life in any way.
It seems that Matthew McConaughey many years ago wrote on a piece of paper about winning an Oscar and then forgot about it. Many years later he won the Oscar. No one said that you cannot have dreams. But don’t make those dreams your reason to live. Winning the Oscar doesn’t make his life more or less enjoyable. If he enjoyed his life, not winning the Oscar wouldn’t change that.
Managing Your Expectations
What do you do if you have been looking for a relationship for many years and you text someone you think it could be the one? What do you do with your dreams? Should we set positive expectations? Of course we should.
Positive expectations create positive energy in what we are doing. As long as we are managing our own expectations and don’t start chasing society’s carrots, positive expectations are good. Nothing will dramatically change our lives. If we achieve it, good, and if we don’t achieve it, also good. Because we know what our most important task is: discovering how we like to spend our time.
Make an impact,
Pablo
Let me know what you think by emailing us or on social media.
This post was originally published on Beautiful Ghosts.
Image by Jernej Furman from Flickr.