In my teenager years, since I was 12 until I was 19, I played competitive chess. At the beginning, when I lost a game in a tournament, I used to cry. By the time I was 18, when I lost a game I would smile and congratulate my opponent. What made the difference?
In Episode 6 of Beautiful Ghosts, we talked about dealing with rejection and failure (YouTube and website). They are similar but different. In both cases we want something and don’t get it but the difference is that in rejection, another person made the decision not to accept our proposition, whether it is a date, a job, or a business deal. The view another person has that we are not good enough, can create strong self-doubt, probably even stronger than failure. How do we deal with rejection and failure?
The first thing to know is that we all feel sad or upset after a rejection or failure. There is no way to sugar-coat this. Eight years after retiring from competitive chess I played a tournament, “just for fun”, I told myself. However, after losing the tournament-decisive game, I was sad. I couldn’t believe I was sad because I had no longer any ambitions with chess so, why was I sad? The truth is that no one likes losing, failing, or being rejected. I couldn’t stop myself from feeling down. How do you cope with that initial sadness? Simply acknowledge the feeling, breathe, meditate, talk to someone you trust. The outcome shows you that as much as you wanted it, the time was not right and this opportunity was not right for you; that date was not right for you, that job was not right for you, that deal was not right for you. Recognise that rejection and failure are simply opportunities to learn.
Once we accept that being sad or upset is a given, how do we move on? Mariana told the story of a lady that after 50 years of having been left by her husband was still regretting it and thinking that she needed her ex-husband to be happy. She never moved on. She was never able to overcome her self-doubts and waited for that man to take those doubts away. But he never did. We have to be able to overcome our own self-doubts. To move on, we need to re-channel the negative emotions into positive energy. What can we learn from the rejection or failure to move on to the next level? This learning process starts with reflection.
Finally, try again. Resilience is one of the most important predictors of success. It is time to put what you have learned by reflecting on your rejection or failure into practice. The prospect of suffering another rejection or failure should not stop you from trying again. Remember, rejection and failure are opportunities to learn. If you don’t fail, you won’t move to the next level, and you won’t succeed. Imagine if I had never played another game of chess after losing my first game or if I had never invited another girl to a date after being rejected by one? I would have never moved on to the next level. In summary, after a rejection or failure:
- Acknowledge the feeling
- Reflect to learn from the experience
- Try again
What made the difference in my reaction after losing a game of chess? More maturity in being able to deal with my negative emotions and the recognition that I had just been given an opportunity to learn. How about you? Do you reject this statement? That rejections and failures are simply opportunities to learn.
Make an impact,
Pablo
PS: this post was originally published on Beautiful Ghosts
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay