Are you someone that has problems saying no? Do you tend to put other people first? Altruism and self-sacrifice are highly encouraged and praised in society. This is understandable. A society where everyone only looks after themselves and no one is willing to help others is not a great human society, it may be a great reptilian society, but not a great human society. This is because humans have evolved and developed the ability to feel empathy, cooperate, and collaborate. However, exaggerated altruism and self-sacrifice can be self-destructive. How do we find a balance between self-interest and altruism?
In Episode 13 of Beautiful Ghosts podcast we discussed selfishness (listen in your favourite podcast app, YouTube, or website). Although the word selfish has a negative connotation, is there a way to be selfish in a good way? This is a problem particularly for people that tend to put others first. It is also a problem for people that are on the other extreme and only care about themselves. Where is the balance?
Too Selfish
Let’s start with the bad side of selfishness. Mariana brought a definition for selfish: lack of consideration for other people, extreme concern with oneself, concentrating on our own advantage or pleasure without regards for others.
In life and in work, I have come across a large number of extremely selfish people and in general, when I classify someone as extremely selfish, I do character assassination, which means, they are not worth my time. I had many friends that turned up to be extremely selfish and with all of them the friendship finished once I reached the conclusion.
I also found an abundance of this type of people in the corporate and business world. Many people in these environments are only interested in how much they can get out of it and will easily hurt you if they can benefit from it, even if that involves unethical acts such as lying.
Now when I’m hiring someone, the first thing I try to find out is if they are extremely selfish. It is not easy to tell whether someone is selfish or not by first impression. However, this is a personality trait not often talked about. It is captured in the HEXACO model of personality where people that are low in the H (humility) factor tend to be extremely selfish [1].
That is why when Mariana asked at the beginning of the episode whether “selfish” has a positive or negative connotation for us, I immediately answered “negative”.
Too Nice
However, the reason why Mariana asked that question was that she had to learn to be more selfish. Perhaps as a result that when she was a child her mother used to tell her “Mariana, you are so selfish” and a traumatic experience in her twenties that lowered her sense of self-worth, she found that she was always putting other people first. Now it is more natural for her to put herself first when needed.
My experience growing up was different. I grew up in a home where selfishness was seen as a virtue and I often struggled with this culture as I liked helping other people, which was seen as weakness. Growing up I started noticing that as much as I liked helping other people, once people realise that you do, they tend to take you for granted.
I reached the point when I started saying “I’m not a nice guy. I’m a good guy but not a nice guy”. I strived to become more assertive and sometimes I still struggle to say no when I should.
Nico summarised it by saying that being a martyr is the bad way of helping as it leads to burn out or self-destruction.
Just Right
If being extremely selfish and being extremely altruistic do not work, what works? The author Adam Grant wrote about it in his book “Give and Take: why helping others drives our success”.
In this book, he divides people into the three more common styles for giving and taking: givers, matchers, and takers. Among these people, the takers do best because they can take advantage of the givers and will pretend to be matchers when needed.
However, Adam Grant discovered that there is a fourth style which he calls “otherish”. Otherish people are happy to help but they will also look after their own interest just as much. This fourth style leads to even higher success than the selfish takers.
Nico expressed this as “putting yourself first” with the example of the oxygen mask in a plane. First, you need to put on your own mask and then you help children or other people in need.
We even created our own description for it, “firstish”, a person that first looks after themselves and then helps other people. By helping other people, you create good will and a culture of trust that will lead to your own success as long as you keep prioritising it.
Call to Action
Whether you like to call it “otherish” or “firstish”, the message is similar. We encourage you to join us in our journey to became the kind of people that look after themselves as much as they take care of other people. You and others will be better off for it.
Make an impact,
Pablo
Let us know what you think by emailing us or commenting in social media.
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
1. “The H factor of personality: why some people are manipulative, self-entitled, materialistic, and exploitive and why it matters for everyone” Kibeom Lee and Michael C. Ashton.
This post was first published in Beautiful Ghosts