What is success? Do you feel successful? In my first job after university, I was constantly thinking “I should be more successful, I should earn more money, I should be in a different job”. This feeling came from two main sources: comparing myself to others and the corporate culture of the company I was working. I felt I had no purpose and I was not growing. When I left that job to start my own company, I felt successful. Not because I was making more money, in fact I was making less money, but because I had a sense of purpose and that I was developing my potential.
In Episode 20 of Beautiful Ghosts Podcast (listen on your favourite podcast app, YouTube, or website) we discussed success with our guest Ambika. We talked about the feeling that there may be more success for us out there, how to define success, and how not to chase someone else’s definition of success.
Should I Be More Successful?
Ambika has a comfortable job with a good work/life balance. She likes her job, feels a sense of accomplishment, and she also likes that it gives her time to spend with her family. However, as her children grow and they need less of her time, she wonders what’s next in her career. Could she be going after something bigger?
This feeling I believe is normal. Especially in a culture that is constantly reminding us that there are people that are more successful, have more money, and apparently having a better time. We live in a competitive and hierarchical culture so it is normal to feel that we may be missing out.
The truth is there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve our situation. We enjoy facing challenges, growing, and developing our potential. Drive and ambition are good. The problem is how to define success. What are we driving towards? Do you have your own definition of success or are you chasing someone else’s definition?
Public Success
Society’s definition of success is being rich and famous. The reason for this is simple, these two achievements are publicly visible. Being rich can be counted and being famous is public. It would be much more difficult for society to reward other types of success. For example, can society define success as being healthy and happy? No, because we don’t know who is healthy and happy.
In addition, we live in hierarchical societies. Some people live with the aim to prove that they are better than other people. Being money so easy to quantify and compare, it is not surprising that people start competing on who has more money. This leads to social status. If you have a lot of money your social status is higher and you are better than people that have less money, society tells us.
Ambika felt this pressure when she took time off to be a full-time mum. She realised how much social status is attached to your job and career. For the 6 years she was full-time mum she felt at the bottom of the pecking order.
This may be ironic. Isn’t being a mum one of the most important jobs in the world? Children need the love, affection, and attention of their mums to grow up as healthy and happy adults. One of the best contributions one can provide to society, not only the present society but also to the future, is being good parents.
But society and other people will not celebrate you for being a good parent. They will only celebrate what is visible and measurable. That is why society celebrates people that are rich and famous (and beautiful!). If you are not rich or famous, you most likely don’t feel successful.
One problem is that becoming rich and/or famous depends on great part on luck. Would you risk your sense of self-worth and happiness playing roulette? Probably not. It is the same with public success, it is in great part due to luck. That is why defining success by public success is the wrong way of doing it. Instead, we need our own definition of success.
Your Own Definition of Success
You are successful when you achieve something you set out to achieve. It is that simple. For Ambika, her own definition of success was being excellent. Then it changed to having a good job that fits her lifestyle. This definition may change for her as her circumstances change. But according to her definition she is successful.
For Mariana the definition of success is being focused doing something in a state of flow. What I like about this definition is that rather than putting the emphasis on how much you want to be earning, which is a common definition of success, it puts the emphasis on what you want to be doing. How do you want to spend your time?
For Nico success is more difficult. He always feels that no matter what he accomplishes, he could always be achieving more, so the feeling of success doesn’t come easy. And the truth is that no matter how wealthy, famous, or beautiful you are, there is always going to be someone wealthier, more famous, or more beautiful than you. How can you feel successful?
My own definition of success is not based on achieving anything in particular, it is based on how hard I’m trying. Am I trying my best to improve, get to the next level, and reach my full potential? To know whether I’m successful I ask myself the question: if for any reason I die today, do I have any regrets? If the answer is “no” (and it should be “no”) then I’m successful.
Final Thoughts
Do you have your own definition of success? If not, what are you waiting for? That is the most important decision to be successful.
Ambika liked the idea of having your own definition of success. However, she remarked that you can generate smallness in your life if you are scared of going after something bigger or fear failure. That is a great remark. Not many people are going to define success as staying where they are. We all want more.
My question is, are you trying your best to get to the next level? And if you are, do you need anything else to feel successful? Don’t let your feeling of self-worth depend on luck.
Make an impact,
Pablo
Let me know what you think by email or on social media.
This post was originally published on Beautiful Ghosts.